Final Fantasy 7 Characters That Belong in Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department

Square Enix’s Final Fantasy VII is full of emotionally expressive, insightful, and admittedly extra characters. Love them or hate them, there is no denying they would fit right in in Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department.

After Taylor Swift’s announcement of her upcoming album during the 66th Annual Grammy Awards, we’re officially back in Taylor Season. Set to hit on April 19, just a month after Final Fantasy VII Rebirth hits stores, it’s a cosmic collision. And the theme could not be more fitting, too: The Tortured Poets Department. Since neither TS nor FF are big on celebrity appearances or collaborations, I don’t expect we’ll be seeing any official crossover soon. Still, nothing is stopping us from having our own safe space to discuss which Final Fantasy VII characters would belong in Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department album.

Related: Who Cares How Cait Sith Is Pronounced, He’s The Worst FF7 Character

Barret: Some Kind of Loaded Gun

Barrett is the man with a gun arm and a fiery spirit. I wouldn’t blame you for disregarding him as a battle powerhouse. But you have to admit his strength as a character doesn’t come only from his ranged support. He’s impulsive and has a knack for propelling the story forward, all fueled by his outspoken hatred speeches against Shinra. But beneath the tough exterior lies a man haunted by a tragic past. 

Forget the eco-warrior facade; Barrett’s fighting a personal vendetta against Shinra, the jerks who wrecked his town and livelihood and offed his wife. He is living his reputation era, aflame with desires for revenge.

The way in which Barret pours out the pain, the anger, and the guilt in Final Fantasy VII would fit right in with Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department album. 

Yuffie Kisaragi: Fearless Era

If it weren’t for Taylor Swift’s redemption arc, we wouldn’t have her crowned 2023’s Person of the Year. Every day, Yuffie Kisaragi gets called annoying by some rude fanboy. If they could, they’d go up a stage in the Golden Saucer, interrupt her mid-cutscenes, and say, “Yo Yuffie, I’m really happy for you. I’ma let you finish, but Sephiroth just had one of the best cutscenes of all time.”

But should you give Yuffie a chance, you’ll watch her character unfold into a multi-layered tale of optimism, resourcefulness, and ninja shenanigans. Yuffie Kisaragi dances through the narrative with a mix of mischief and heroism, proving that beneath her thieving exterior lies a poetic tale waiting to be explored. There has never been a character more deserving of a spot in Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department.

Roche: “All’s fair in love and poetry.”

Roche is a motorcycle maverick in Final Fantasy VII Remake, but you likely don’t remember him as a speed demon. Instead, you probably remember how he constantly professed his love for Cloud and acted like their duel was a date in Olive Garden. 

His overzealous and flamboyant entrances are nothing short of dramatic. Each line seems meticulously crafted to sound like it came out of a play. Roche isn’t just a one-trick pony with a killer bike; he’s a two-wheeled poet at heart. 

RED XIII: A Cat Poet 

Red XIII is our four-legged philosopher, the unsung poet of the party in Final Fantasy VII. I know what you’re thinking, but let me assure you they’re not just here because of Taylor Swift’s obsession with felines.

Amidst the chaos of technocratic greed and Avalanche’s rebellion, Red XIII takes a chill pill and views the world with a more objective, humane lens. He’s the yin to Shinra’s yang, representing a spiritual Native American vibe, fighting against the invasive force of technology and modernity. 

In Taylor Swift’s The Tortured Poets Department, there’s definitely a seat all saved up for Red XIII, the poetic beast with a philosophical feast.

Jessie Raspberry: Taking Romeo and Juliet to the Next Level

Jessie is a bomb-maker, an actress, and a go-getter in Final Fantasy VII. But mostly, she’s a hopeless romantic. From the first minute we meet her, she latches onto Cloud and tries to somehow make him fit into her idea of theatrical love. 

Just like Taylor Swift, she is the Mastermind behind most operations against Shinra, and in this love play, she has created for her and Cloud. I just know she would be part of Taylor’s Squad and most definitely earn her spot in the The Tortured Poets Department.

Vincent Valentine: A Daydream Dressed Like a Nightmare

Is there any character as unnecessarily edgy and overdramatic as Vincent Valentine? Crippled by guilt and torment, Vincent joins the party not as a chatterbox but as a silent observer. He speaks when it matters, making his contributions as measured as a haiku in a world of verbose soliloquies.

His brooding and mellow energy screams Evermore, but he’d make all the songs 10-minute versions for absolutely no reason. I’m sure Taylor Swift would love to welcome this walking anime trope into The Tortured Poets Department.