Baldur’s Gate 3 has some of the most interesting romances for players to explore in any game ever released. Not only are there characters from each race to cuddle up to, but the way they choose to make love is completely unique because of who and what they are.
While most players have an opinion of which romances are best or worst, our character has a different point of view. They’re a Deep Gnome who has spent the entire playthrough looking out for themselves, not caring what others think, and making very questionable choices that serve them and screw over as many people as possible. They don’t want the best romance option — they want the strangest.
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Baldur’s Gate 3 Romances Ranked Strangest to Plainest According to a Deviant Deep Gnome
Our Baldur’s Gate 3 character is an incredibly selfish Deep Gnome who cares for absolutely no one. In every situation, they look out for themselves and, where possible, try to side with the bad guys. However, they’re willing to side with the heroes if they get something out of it in the long run.
They’re disgusting, opting to spread grease all over the battlefield and sacrifice allies if it means victory. While a druid, they opt for any magic or tactic involving mud, water, and mess. They want to spend all of their waking hours rolling in filth and making everyone feel uncomfortable.
A twisted creature such as this has different needs when it comes to love. With that in mind, we’ve ranked the romances in Baldur’s Gate 3 based on their preferences. Our Deep Gnome wants to have just as good a time as the next player, but something as simple as dancing with Gale isn’t going to cut it. Every romance in Baldur’s Gate 3 is ranked below, from the strangest (best) at the top to the plainest (worst) at the bottom, according to what our character believes.
The Emperor (Strangest)
Our Deep Gnome grew up underground, lying, cheating, and stealing to survive. They’ve had it rough, and they only want to be loved by the ultimate being, which makes them feel like they’re being worshipped. Very few people can do this with two arms and legs. It takes an additional face full of tentacles to satisfy our Gnome’s needs.
It’s not so much that The Emperor is powerful. It’s that it has the ability to please in so many ways. Sure, Mindflayers can invade your thoughts and force you to do their bidding, but they can also cause immeasurable pleasure if they’re so inclined. There’s no way our Deep Gnome would pass up a night of passion with this thing, even if it costs them the entire party the next morning.
Mizora
Poor Wyll, one of the companions players can recruit in Baldur’s Gate 3, is haunted by a devil mistress who is contracted to him for the foreseeable future. She’ll appear in the player’s camp from the start of Act 3 in the game, and from there, it’s down to the player to resist the urge to get to know her better.
Our character finds Mizora irresistible because she offers them the chance to sample the delights and horrors of the Hells while simultaneously causing deep, emotional trauma to companions in the camp. Our Deep Gnome would enjoy nothing more than teasing Wyll and Gale, promising them a happy life once the events of the game conclude, only to break their hearts and shatter their dreams by doing it with a she-devil.
Look, we said our character was disgusting and wanted nothing more than the worst possible outcome for everyone else. If Mizora had a few tentacles or opened a portal of pleasure somewhere that swallowed the player’s character whole, she’d be the strangest, and therefore best, romance option in this list.
Haarlep
Haarlep is Raphael’s Incubus and takes a physical form in the House of Hope in Baldur’s Gate 3. He’s linked to the game’s main quest, but our character doesn’t care about that. They love that Haarlep is big, red, and has massive wings and horns.
They can’t help but imagine being wrapped up in the thick leather skin and carried off, waiting for Haarlep to have their way with them. It’s also possible to ask Haarlep to be male or female, adding a new layer of pleasurability to the table. Don’t ask us why, but our character just can’t get enough of being stared down at by an overbearing beast with fiery eyes like this. It’s probably something to do with spending so much time away from the sun and needing its flames to be as close as possible to their skin.
Karlach
Karlach is one of the most interesting companions in Baldur’s Gate 3 because of the Infernal Engine beating away inside of her chest. She’s had her issues in the past, but she’s pretty stable for the most part by the time players meet her.
With that said, romancing Karlach is as close to making love with a car as it’s possible to get in this game, and that’s just too far out there to pass up. Our Deep Gnome has no desire to understand technology, infernal or otherwise, but the combination of flesh and metal beneath this companion’s chest is something they desperately want to get closer to. They want to lean their head on Karlach’s chest, feel the heat of the engine, and listen to it as it hums away beneath her flesh while doing anything she desires.
Halsin
Halsin is a druid and a dirty dogooder, but he’s got one of the strangest romances in Baldur’s Gate 3. Our Deep Gnome despises Halsin as a person. He’s a bit too eager and seems to want to try to create the only plot hole in the game’s story. But our Deep Gnome can’t say no to a bear.
Anyone who has seen the infamous teaser for Halsin’s romance scene knows that he has to go full bear for it. As a creature of the dark that grew up in a world without the massive wild beasts of the great plains of the world as everyone else in Baldur’s Gate 3 did, our Deep Gnome just has to see what being intimate with a giant hairy creature like Halsin’s bear form is like.
Minthara
Minthara doesn’t start Baldur’s Gate 3 as a potential companion. She’s one of the leaders in the Goblin Camp and comes across as pure evil. After their first meeting, our character wanted to convince Minthara they’d help before stabbing them in the back at the Druid grove, but they couldn’t resist her in the end.
Aside from Minthara’s intimacy scene, which might be one of the best in the game, she’s dark and authoritative. As should be clear by now, our character likes their lovers to be in charge, and Minthara fits the bill down to a tee.
It’s not just that Minthara can stand above our Deep Gnome, telling them what to do and threatening to step on them if they don’t. She can cause some real anguish to Wyll. There’s no way to romance Minthara without Wyll leaving the party, so it’s the perfect opportunity for a character to lead him on a bit before showing him how little he pleases them.
Astarion
Many Baldur’s Gate 3 players take issue with Astarion because he mainly just wants to suck blood out of everyone’s necks. If there were no other benefits, our Deep Gnome would feel the same, but being able to cuddle up with the bloodsucker and admire his rock-hard abs more than makes up for a little light-headedness.
Our Deep Gnome has seen far more disgusting creatures and would do the deed with most of them. Astarion is a lovely middle ground as someone who looks fantastic but has a dark secret and is actively using the player character for his own gain and survival. Our Deep Gnome will take what they can get with the constant threat of brain tadpoles.
Shadowheart
While not a monster or beast, Shadowheart is just as interesting as a romance option in Baldur’s Gate 3. She starts the game acting like she’s completely useless, only to reveal that she’s a member of a secret order and has had her memory obliterated to help her complete a mission.
It’s the perfect combination that makes for a completely blank slate who may be interested in trying out new things. That’s how our Deep Gnome sees it anyway. They love that Shadowheart is so proficient in battle and hides a dark secret. It makes pursuing her and getting turned down now and then all the sweeter when she finally embraces players for a night of passion.
Wyll
Wyll brings one of the best romances to players in Baldur’s Gate 3. It’s just not him. We love him for his charm, his spells, the fact that he can be obliterated in the first major combat sequence in the game, and for his swashbuckling, but our character doesn’t want to do anything with him.
Romancing Wyll is easy and boring. But it’s worth keeping him around until the she devil that haunts him turns up and offers to make life a lot more interesting. If players are looking for a quick romance, they should look elsewhere because Wy’ll holds out for most of the game. Our Deep Gnome doesn’t have time for those who save themselves; they just want to get busy.
Gale
Gale is a fantastic character in Baldur’s Gate 3, but he’s also the safe option when it comes to romances. Initially, he’s just not that exciting, and jokes aren’t going to get anyone into our Deep Gnomes’ briches. The thing that attracts our character to him is his insatiable need to consume magical artifacts of any form.
As a character who had to strive to get anything in life, our Deep Gnome appreciates a character who has gone to insane lengths to do the same. Even if it has potentially cost them a happy life. Gale’s magic tricks are fun, but compared to a Mindflayer who can touch with eight appendages, there’s just no competition. We do have to admit that watching him dance is pretty hot, though.
Lae’zel
Lae’zel is rude and mean and deserves to be left by players, so the Tieflings kill her. However, she’s not without her charm as a potential love interest for characters who want to seduce her. Our character prefers non-human lovers, and Lae’zel will do just fine if no one else is around. Well, that is if they don’t kill her.
While Lae’zel starts off as a rude character who should be left to defend herself from her own karma, she’s got a heart that comes through later in Baldur’s Gate 3. She can hold her own in combat, and that does get our character hot under their armor from time to time, almost enough to forget about how rude she is.
Jaheira & Minsc
There aren’t any intimate scenes with Jaheira or Minsc, though they can become companions, and it’s possible to chat with them about getting closer. Our Deep Gnome wouldn’t pass up the chance to roll around under some sheets with either of these characters.
Minsc speaks about himself in the third person, which is just weird enough to entice our character into bed. It’s the hamster they’re intrigued the most by, though. With Jaheira, our character would just appreciate being able to love someone who has so much experience. Age is just a number, and an older companion is just someone with more moves to pull out and surprise our Deep Gnome with.
The Drow Twins (Plainest)
When players hit Act 3 in Baldur’s Gate 3, they’ll be able to access the plainest romance option in the entire game. A pair of Drow twins at Sharess’s Caress can be hired for a good time. Our character is more than interested in having a good time with multiple parties, but this just feels too easy.
One thing that does save the Drow twins from being completely forgettable is the fact that a few other characters can join in if players invite them to. This can make for quite the pile-on, and we think it’s worth every player trying at least once just to see if their characters enjoy it.
Bonus: Auntie Ethel
Auntie Ethel is a disgustingly evil villain, but one who players all love to hate. There’s not a single person who has encountered her in Baldur’s Gate 3 who hasn’t had a memorable encounter. As soon as we heard about her, we knew she was the one for our Deep Gnome. Sadly, there’s no way to romance or sleep with her in Baldur’s Gate 3 at the time of writing. If there were, she’d be pretty damn high on this list.
Published: Sep 21, 2023 05:14 pm